I'm having to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. It is something that no one should ever be faced with and it's literally tearing me apart. I'm not sure it's the correct decision, I'm not sure it'll ever be something that I am okay with but it is what I have to do for me, for my children, for my family.
Not many people, if anyone, knows exactly what has been happening. And, it might remain that way forever but I need to do something, say something, write something...
For all of the times you held me close, thank you.
For all the nights you were sleepless because of me, thank you.
For all the times you kiss my scraped knees, put band aides on non-existent owies, and iced a bump, thank you.
I understand no one is perfect, and perfection isn't what I'm asking for. I'm asking you to choose life, choose us, to choose to fight the hard fight.
I can't say that I'll always be here, the more time that passes the harder it gets to accept and forgive.
But, you know how to find me.
Until then, I guess this is where you'll be informed of our lives.
I love you.
You are full of bullshit.
143.
IiiIi.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Fantastic Friday!
Fridays always hold lots of excitement for me. Mainly because I get to leave the house any time during the weekend that I want. It's exciting! ...I'm completely aware of how pathetic that sounds... Anyway! Here is this week's list of reasons Friday is Fantastic!
1. It's payday. Can I get an Amen?
2. It's date night! Well, it's Jack-and-Owen's-First-Sleep-over-at-Grandma's-Night! I'm both wonderfully excited and terribly heart broken. Clay and I have a fun filled night planned (...HA!). We really don't know what we are going to do. Our plan is as follows: Drop children off at Grandma's between 2:30-4:30, depending on who naps when. Then, if time allows go to the Discovery Center to see the Body's Uncovered exhibit, then dinner. Then home to do what we do every night when the kids are in bed: Board Games. We are exciting people. But I am going to miss my little men!
3. Laundry is completely caught up, folded, hung up and put away. After one small load today the washer and dryer will get a weekend break. Woo!
4. We are adding to our family! ...No. I'm not pregnant. THANK GOD. We decided that it's time to get a big dog for our boys and after lots of research we've decided on a golden retriever. We've had a puppy before and it hasn't been long enough for us to forget how terrible having a puppy is. It's awful. Completely and utterly awful. Puppies suck. They pee everywhere, they whine, they chew and bite and pee some more. Ugh. So, we found what seemed to be the perfect dog for our family- it was fate really - a golden retriever was available at a local shelter. After going through the motions to adopt her and waiting all week to be selected we were not. But! We've found a wonderful, perfect, beautiful girl to add to our lives, so it's all worked out. Funny how things happen that seem awful in the moment but turn out to be just what you wanted to begin with! I'll update with more about our new hairy child later!
5. I have the day off, by mostly accident! Love extra days off. I get to cuddle my boys longer, deep clean the floors and toy room and give mid-day bubble baths!
6. We have already made our Costco trip for the week so we get to avoid the insanely crazy weekend Costco folks. Have fun with that!
7. There is still snow outside! Covering the grass and streets. I love it. It's beautiful and lovely. I'll be sad when it melts and the view is brown grass and bare trees.
8. Owen slept until 7:30 and has been happily playing in his crib for the past ten minutes. This means that Owen won't be a nightmare this morning. That, my dear friends, is an amazing morning. An amazing start to Friday!
9. Jack, though woke up at 6, has been cuddling with me in bed, watching Cars and singing along with the songs. He's such a smart, amazing, adorable, sweet kid. Love starting my mornings with alone time cuddles from my Jack-a-roo.
10. I know, for a fact, I get to sleep in tomorrow morning. That. Is. Amazing.
Enjoy your day! <3
1. It's payday. Can I get an Amen?
2. It's date night! Well, it's Jack-and-Owen's-First-Sleep-over-at-Grandma's-Night! I'm both wonderfully excited and terribly heart broken. Clay and I have a fun filled night planned (...HA!). We really don't know what we are going to do. Our plan is as follows: Drop children off at Grandma's between 2:30-4:30, depending on who naps when. Then, if time allows go to the Discovery Center to see the Body's Uncovered exhibit, then dinner. Then home to do what we do every night when the kids are in bed: Board Games. We are exciting people. But I am going to miss my little men!
3. Laundry is completely caught up, folded, hung up and put away. After one small load today the washer and dryer will get a weekend break. Woo!
4. We are adding to our family! ...No. I'm not pregnant. THANK GOD. We decided that it's time to get a big dog for our boys and after lots of research we've decided on a golden retriever. We've had a puppy before and it hasn't been long enough for us to forget how terrible having a puppy is. It's awful. Completely and utterly awful. Puppies suck. They pee everywhere, they whine, they chew and bite and pee some more. Ugh. So, we found what seemed to be the perfect dog for our family- it was fate really - a golden retriever was available at a local shelter. After going through the motions to adopt her and waiting all week to be selected we were not. But! We've found a wonderful, perfect, beautiful girl to add to our lives, so it's all worked out. Funny how things happen that seem awful in the moment but turn out to be just what you wanted to begin with! I'll update with more about our new hairy child later!
5. I have the day off, by mostly accident! Love extra days off. I get to cuddle my boys longer, deep clean the floors and toy room and give mid-day bubble baths!
6. We have already made our Costco trip for the week so we get to avoid the insanely crazy weekend Costco folks. Have fun with that!
7. There is still snow outside! Covering the grass and streets. I love it. It's beautiful and lovely. I'll be sad when it melts and the view is brown grass and bare trees.
8. Owen slept until 7:30 and has been happily playing in his crib for the past ten minutes. This means that Owen won't be a nightmare this morning. That, my dear friends, is an amazing morning. An amazing start to Friday!
9. Jack, though woke up at 6, has been cuddling with me in bed, watching Cars and singing along with the songs. He's such a smart, amazing, adorable, sweet kid. Love starting my mornings with alone time cuddles from my Jack-a-roo.
10. I know, for a fact, I get to sleep in tomorrow morning. That. Is. Amazing.
Enjoy your day! <3
Saturday, January 12, 2013
The two longest weeks of my life...
My husband and I have been together for almost seven years, five of which (almost) we've been married. During this time we haven't been apart for longer than two or three days - though not sleeping in the same bed for maybe a week tops. I will openly admit that I am dependent on him to sleep. He is my bestest friend and soul mate. Anyway! He has this great opportunity to travel with the company he works for - Scentsy. You may of heard of them, they are a big HUGE deal. He will be all over - California, Wyoming, Nevada, Montana! I'm so excited for all the places he will get to go and see (though he will be working long and hard days so he may just get to sleep in these cool places...). He will be gone for two weeks. Fourteen days.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't freaking out a little. It's not about the obvious stuff - like his help with the kids, the dishes he is so good at doing, the laughter he is so good at creating, the groceries he is so willing to stop and pick up. I could go on, but I think you get it. I'm freaking out because how am I going to sleep?! Who am I going to talk to!? Who is going to let me kick their butt at Monopoly until the wee hours of Saturday morning?!
I will become best friends with my skype account and regular Facetime will be a must. It's going to be a crazy two weeks but I'm really sort of looking forward to going to all the places Clay hates without feeling bad for dragging him around! ;) The Dollar Store, Craft Warehouse and Goodwill better look out!
Bring it on!
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't freaking out a little. It's not about the obvious stuff - like his help with the kids, the dishes he is so good at doing, the laughter he is so good at creating, the groceries he is so willing to stop and pick up. I could go on, but I think you get it. I'm freaking out because how am I going to sleep?! Who am I going to talk to!? Who is going to let me kick their butt at Monopoly until the wee hours of Saturday morning?!
I will become best friends with my skype account and regular Facetime will be a must. It's going to be a crazy two weeks but I'm really sort of looking forward to going to all the places Clay hates without feeling bad for dragging him around! ;) The Dollar Store, Craft Warehouse and Goodwill better look out!
Bring it on!
Friday, January 11, 2013
Friday's Letters (1)
Dear Husband: Thank you. Thank you for always making me feel beautiful, needed, wanted and for loving me through it all. You are amazing. I don't know how I'll function without you here for two whole weeks (more on this later!). Dear Jack: You've gone two whole weeks without wetting the bed. I am so insanely proud of you. It's also been about two weeks since you've had an accident. Way to go booger! Also, yesterday was such an amazing day because of you and your smiles, giggles and insistent 'come to the toy room mom! look! TOYS!'. Thank you. Dear Owen: Wow. Every time I look at you I am in awe of how grown up you've become. When did you get so big? Dear Idaho Weather: Thank you for the beautiful snow! I'd appreciate it if you'd not drop down to -10 degrees with the windchill though. Dear Weekend: I'm going to soak you up and enjoy your big breakfasts served during lunch time between playing in the snow and watching football. Bring it on!
<3 Link up to Friday's Letters here!
<3 Link up to Friday's Letters here!
Am I good enough?
Being a mom is the hardest job in the world. I think we've all heard that before, and brushed it off as if it was nothing before we became a mother. I did. I thought 'whatever, it can't be THAT hard. You have a baby and you feed them and love them. They grow and start walking and talking and they love you unconditionally and it's all rainbows and butterflies!'
The first time I realized just how wrong I was about motherhood being just beautiful and wonderful was while I was pregnant with Jack. Things weren't going as planned and I had no control over what was happening to me, my baby or my plan.
It's taken me about three and a half years to realize that motherhood isn't pretty. It isn't perfect. It isn't rainbows, crafts with perfect noodle-necklace outcomes...It's dirty. It's mean. It's hard. I often find myself asking 'Am I good enough?!'
Am I deserving of this amazing gift, my two beautifully perfect, happy, healthy boys? Am I enough to be here, 24 hours a day 7 days a week? Did I just say no to something so simple and little just so say no? Did I just yell for no reason? What kind of mother am I if my three year old just yelled and pointed his finger at me and told me 'you don't talk like that!'? Have I failed already?
And that's just mommy guilt. What about the wife guilt? The dishes, the laundry, the dinner, the list goes on.
It's been a hard six months for me. Emotionally, phyiscally, mentally...But, now, today I see a different light.
I am enough. I am good enough to be their mommy. I love them, unconditionally. I love each and every piece of them no matter what. I love their bad habits, I love that they are smart - smart enough to tell me when I'm doing something that I don't allow them to do..., I love that they are rough and tough boys, dirty and loving everything that boys do. I am enough because I love them more than myself and would do anything for them. I am deserving of them because I carried their little bodies inside of mine and held them close when they were new in this world and loved them thought the sleepless nights and endless crying spells.
Yesterday was one of those magic days, where from the time my babies crawled out of their beds and into mine until I laid them down to sleep at night everything was magic and pure joy. It's rare. Any mommy can tell you that, certainly one that stays home with her children all day long every day can for sure verify, that not everyday is magic. But yesterday was. From Jack loving his brother all day, to Owen giving non-stop kisses away. That day will be one I'll remember forever and it'll get me through the hard days full of poop explosions, temper tantrums and spilled milk mess.
I love these boys and would do anything for them. I'd give up anything to make sure they were happy and to make sure they knew I loved them.
The first time I realized just how wrong I was about motherhood being just beautiful and wonderful was while I was pregnant with Jack. Things weren't going as planned and I had no control over what was happening to me, my baby or my plan.
It's taken me about three and a half years to realize that motherhood isn't pretty. It isn't perfect. It isn't rainbows, crafts with perfect noodle-necklace outcomes...It's dirty. It's mean. It's hard. I often find myself asking 'Am I good enough?!'
Am I deserving of this amazing gift, my two beautifully perfect, happy, healthy boys? Am I enough to be here, 24 hours a day 7 days a week? Did I just say no to something so simple and little just so say no? Did I just yell for no reason? What kind of mother am I if my three year old just yelled and pointed his finger at me and told me 'you don't talk like that!'? Have I failed already?
And that's just mommy guilt. What about the wife guilt? The dishes, the laundry, the dinner, the list goes on.
It's been a hard six months for me. Emotionally, phyiscally, mentally...But, now, today I see a different light.
I am enough. I am good enough to be their mommy. I love them, unconditionally. I love each and every piece of them no matter what. I love their bad habits, I love that they are smart - smart enough to tell me when I'm doing something that I don't allow them to do..., I love that they are rough and tough boys, dirty and loving everything that boys do. I am enough because I love them more than myself and would do anything for them. I am deserving of them because I carried their little bodies inside of mine and held them close when they were new in this world and loved them thought the sleepless nights and endless crying spells.
Yesterday was one of those magic days, where from the time my babies crawled out of their beds and into mine until I laid them down to sleep at night everything was magic and pure joy. It's rare. Any mommy can tell you that, certainly one that stays home with her children all day long every day can for sure verify, that not everyday is magic. But yesterday was. From Jack loving his brother all day, to Owen giving non-stop kisses away. That day will be one I'll remember forever and it'll get me through the hard days full of poop explosions, temper tantrums and spilled milk mess.
I love these boys and would do anything for them. I'd give up anything to make sure they were happy and to make sure they knew I loved them.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Front Door Wreath.
I consider myself a crafty person. I love making things, painting, creating, etc. But, I'm also really cheap. I hate spending money on said crafts. I love the idea of a seasonal wreath for my front door. With the daycare I have people at my front door all of the time and I love how homey and cute a wreath is. But, have you looked at all of the possibilities for a wreath? I can't spend $20 on every wreath I want. So, I've come up with a simple, easy and almost free solution.
I rip apart my old wreath and reuse the same base. Every time.
I bought the wire heart things from the dollar store last year and had them wrapped around the porch railing but I love the look of this on the wreath. I feel like it's missing something so I may add to it but for now it's pretty! and it was free!
I rip apart my old wreath and reuse the same base. Every time.
Here is the original wreath I made. I bought the base at a craft store for $15. Then hot glued the flowers and bow.
When it was time for Christmas I popped off the flowers and bow and added some holly berries that I found in a random Christmas bin, made a new bow and added a sparkly sign (Thanks Crystal, you come up a lot in this blog! Ha!)
Now I've decorated for Valentines Day (Clay HATES that I'm following suit with the grocery stores and just decorating from one holiday to the next with no break in between...) and my wreath had to be changed again!
I don't have many Valentine's decorations but I just pulled from what I had. This is what I came up with!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Taco Salad!
When Clay and I first lived together we didn't cook ANYTHING. Well, nothing that was healthy. He once baked my birthday cake and left it on the oven top with the oven still going and boiled my cooked and frosted cake. We ate a lot of ramen and hamburger helper (with crunchy noodles). So, anyway, when we first lived together and actually started cooking he introduced me to this completely delicious and easy dinner. This might be something a lot of people already eat and know how to cook but it was amazing for me!
Taco Salad!
1-2 lbs of ground turkey (you could also use beef or 2-4 shredded chicken breasts
Taco seasoning (I buy the huge Costco one and it calls for 1/2 cup, I use a little less than that because my kiddos don't like it to be spicy at all)
1 can red kidney beans, rinsed and drained (Clay likes them super soft so he also boils them while the meat is cooking)
Salad of your choice (we usually just buy the big bag of salad but we have also done a head of lettuce)
Ranch from scratch, sorta. Use the hidden valley ranch packets - the ones you mix with mayo and milk. It makes the salad!
Tortilla chips, crushed
Catalina Dressing
First cook and crumble your meat, then season. I add the kidney beans when I'm seasoning the meat, you can serve them on the side as a topping, or not at all. Built your salad, add meat, chips, dressing. You can add whatever you want to the salad. We love it with avocado, tomatoes, broccoli, bell pepper, shredded cheddar cheese, anything really.
It takes no time to throw together and it's super good. You can serve it in a crunchy taco bowl if you want to be fancy.
Enjoy!
Taco Salad!
1-2 lbs of ground turkey (you could also use beef or 2-4 shredded chicken breasts
Taco seasoning (I buy the huge Costco one and it calls for 1/2 cup, I use a little less than that because my kiddos don't like it to be spicy at all)
1 can red kidney beans, rinsed and drained (Clay likes them super soft so he also boils them while the meat is cooking)
Salad of your choice (we usually just buy the big bag of salad but we have also done a head of lettuce)
Ranch from scratch, sorta. Use the hidden valley ranch packets - the ones you mix with mayo and milk. It makes the salad!
Tortilla chips, crushed
Catalina Dressing
First cook and crumble your meat, then season. I add the kidney beans when I'm seasoning the meat, you can serve them on the side as a topping, or not at all. Built your salad, add meat, chips, dressing. You can add whatever you want to the salad. We love it with avocado, tomatoes, broccoli, bell pepper, shredded cheddar cheese, anything really.
It takes no time to throw together and it's super good. You can serve it in a crunchy taco bowl if you want to be fancy.
Enjoy!
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