Am I good enough?

Being a mom is the hardest job in the world. I think we've all heard that before, and brushed it off as if it was nothing before we became a mother. I did. I thought 'whatever, it can't be THAT hard. You have a baby and you feed them and love them. They grow and start walking and talking and they love you unconditionally and it's all rainbows and butterflies!'

The first time I realized just how wrong I was about motherhood being just beautiful and wonderful was while I was pregnant with Jack. Things weren't going as planned and I had no control over what was happening to me, my baby or my plan.

It's taken me about three and a half years to realize that motherhood isn't pretty. It isn't perfect. It isn't rainbows, crafts with perfect noodle-necklace outcomes...It's dirty. It's mean. It's hard. I often find myself asking 'Am I good enough?!'

Am I deserving of this amazing gift, my two beautifully perfect, happy, healthy boys? Am I enough to be here, 24 hours a day 7 days a week? Did I just say no to something so simple and little just so say no? Did I just yell for no reason? What kind of mother am I if my three year old just yelled and pointed his finger at me and told me 'you don't talk like that!'? Have I failed already?

And that's just mommy guilt. What about the wife guilt? The dishes, the laundry, the dinner, the list goes on.

It's been a hard six months for me. Emotionally, phyiscally, mentally...But, now, today I see a different light.

I am enough. I am good enough to be their mommy. I love them, unconditionally. I love each and every piece of them no matter what. I love their bad habits, I love that they are smart - smart enough to tell me when I'm doing something that I don't allow them to do..., I love that they are rough and tough boys, dirty and loving everything that boys do. I am enough because I love them more than myself and would do anything for them. I am deserving of them because I carried their little bodies inside of mine and held them close when they were new in this world and loved them thought the sleepless nights and endless crying spells.

Yesterday was one of those magic days, where from the time my babies crawled out of their beds and into mine until I laid them down to sleep at night everything was magic and pure joy. It's rare. Any mommy can tell you that, certainly one that stays home with her children all day long every day can for sure verify, that not everyday is magic. But yesterday was. From Jack loving his brother all day, to Owen giving non-stop kisses away. That day will be one I'll remember forever and it'll get me through the hard days full of poop explosions, temper tantrums and spilled milk mess.

I love these boys and would do anything for them. I'd give up anything to make sure they were happy and to make sure they knew I loved them.